by Rebecca
It’s the end of cuffing season, the period in Autumn/Winter where single people cuff themselves together with someone not necessarily right for them, but who will do for snuggly romcom-in-the-snow purposes. When the sun comes out, being unattached feels full of shimmery possibility again, the cuffs come off and the ‘you’ll do’ partner gets the boot. On describing this to married friends I’ve been met with horror at the callousness of it all, but single people know the drill.
Thing is, cuffing season only works when the other person is well and truly Biffa binned. Too often around this time of year friendship groups are followed by the stench of one of your mates’ ex-lovers having crawled out of the trash, still clinging to them via their sense of hope (‘he says he’s not looking for anything but he also says he’s never met anyone like me’), still oozing from their phone at random intervals (‘u awake?’). The temptation, rather than wading back into the dating pool and starting again with someone new, is to make do with what’s already there and mould them into the person you would actually like to have a relationship with. When written down it looks doomed, doesn’t it? But it’s happening everywhere.
The only thing that’s worse in being under the spell (dicknotised) of someone not good enough is watching your brilliant, beautiful, glorious mate going through it. Over the weekend I have had three conversations with such women. The brunchtime negotiations are endless.
Brunch A
Friend A: I mean, he did say in the beginning not to get feelings for him.
Me: Didn’t he ask to meet your parents at Christmas?
Brunch B
Me: He said he’d call you two days ago and he hasn’t.
Friend B: (trying not to cry) Yeah but he’s probably really busy at work.
Brunch C
Friend C: I wouldn’t change a thing about him, it’s just so far from his flat in Margate to mine in Norwich.
Me: So it can’t work.
Friend C: But he really likes Norwich when he visits….
I’m sure I don’t need to tell anyone that none of the above examples are exclusive to cuffing season. Or that it’s always the women trying to make it work and the men being aloof, confusing, uncommunicative.
Whatever the scenario, I’m afraid that as a friend you can’t do anything about it other than watch your lovelorn mate spiral until they’ve hit rock bottom, then be very extremely there for them and pull out your best sweary insults for their ex ad infinitum.
However.
I’m a big believer than while you can’t tell a person what to do, you can enable them to see things differently. Here are my five questions to ask a mate in a shit situationship, in the hopes of planting positive seeds for their relationship future. Feel free to ask them very directly, genuinely listen, and make sure you don’t lead your friend to an answer.
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